Say This Sooner
by Kurisha
Summary: ONESHOT. M for some language. Raito realizes what he wants but it's too late.


This is a one shot that came to mind when I was listening to The Almost's cd, Southern Weather. It's a little different from what I normally write, if you've read my other two fictioins.

**Disclaimer:** Death Note is not mine. It belongs to Tsugumi Ohba.

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_I can't believe I didn't say this sooner  
__I'll just believe that I was all displaced  
__I'll get to speakin' let you know how I feel  
__I'll get to judgin' make you see my appeal  
_-The Almost, "Say This Sooner"

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Yagami Raito stood in front of the marble white gravestone as it rained heavily and thundered overhead. Lightning lit up the cemetery, exposing the old english engraved in teh smooth stone's face.

L Lawliet.

October thirty-first, nineteen-seventy-nine to November fifth, two-thousand-four.

The world's most prominent detective.

Like hell he was. Raito could testify to that. The man was a fucking genius in the feild of investigation. A god damned genius for crying out fucking loud! So much of a genuis that the teen had to commend the late detective for finding Kira.

Finding Kira.

Ha! Finding Kira, his ass. He fucking _knew_ Kira! _Lived_ with Kira! And he was the only one who knew he was Kira. Yet he let him walk around free as a fucking dog. . .because he didn't want his _friend_ to be fucking Kira.

Kira. Him. _He _was the reason L was six fucking feet below. _He_ was the reason L was pushing up fucking daisies. _He_ was the reason L kicked the fucking bucket. Him, Yagami Raito, Kira, had Rem kill L, the only person that stood between him and his new world. . .his only friend in the world.

Friends. That's what they were on the surface. deep down they were justice and dissolution; god and mortal; enemies. But he did want to be the man's friend. Raito wanted to play tennis with L agian. HE wanted to spend time with the detective. . .Hang out with him on the weekends. . .Eat cake with him. . .Solve more cases by his side. . .

But no! He just _had_ to have the detective disposed of to save his own fucking ass! He was a fucking asshole. He was prey to his fucking obsession.

_Maybe this is just a nightmare,_ the teen thought, digging the heel of his hand into his right eye, _I'll go home and sleep it off, then, when I wake up this whole damned week won't exisit. . .I'll go back to task force and there L will be, sitting at his chair, waiting to start the case again. . ._

Raito shook it from his mind. That was just so fucking impossible; once someone had died by the Death Note they were gone. No if's, and's, or but's about it. No coming back to life. They were damned to fucking _Mu_, eternal nothingness. Eternal fucking _nothingness._ Fucking _eternal._ Neither allowed to heaven nor hell-if those godly places even fucking _existed._

And it was all his fucking fault.

L deserved better. A hell of a lot fucking better. The detective deserved his _life_ not. . ._nothingness._ He deserved to be walking the earth. He deserved to have a whole strawberry cheesecake. Better yet, a whole strawberry cheesecake _factory._ L deserved it. _All_ of it. Not to wonder around aimlessly in the abysmal nothingness until his mind and soul evaprotated from all existence. That was a waste of who the detective was or would have been. He didn't deserve _that_, the fate that Raito had brought down on him.

He dropped down onto his hands and knees on the detective's grave, an anguished cry threatening to erupt fromhis throat. His eyes began to burn anf foreworned him of the tears that would inevitably form, making him clench them shut. He locked his jaw and shook his head. This wasn't what he wanted when he had that fucking shinigami Rem kill L. he didn't want to feel so fucking. . ._alone._

Suddenly, Raito realized that he never _really_ wanted the panda eyed man dead. No, not at all. That was just what he fucking _thought_ he wanted. He couldn't have been any further from the truth; Raito _wanted_ L. He wanted the detective to hold him close. He wanted L to whisper sweet nothings to him. . .To lay him down. . .Caress him. . .Touch him. . .to _take_ him. He wanted L to make him his own. Make Kira _his_. . .He wanted the detective to. . ._love_ him.

Maybe L wanted to love him, too. Raito remembered the detective doing little things, almost like hints. The detective would place his hand over his when no one was around. L would flirt a little. Well, it wasn't quite fliritng, but it was close enough for Raito. He would say little things to Raito that meant nothing on the surface; but the underlying significance implied slim affection, as if he wasn't sure of the feeling himself.

Raito missed that about the investigator. No, scrath that, he missed _everything_ about L. The way he sat with his knees drawn to his chest. . .the way he held everything as if he were afriad it was covered in germs. . .the way he traced the pad of his thumb along the curve of his bottom lip. . .the way the slight rose color would turn a shade darker under the presseure of the sugar addict's appendage. . .how his bottom lip lowered from his top lip to allow his thumb's apex entry way. . .How tempting it was. . .

Raito rested his forehead on his forearm and heaved a deep breath. His body shook fromt he cold of the rain and his sorrow. Tears forced their way out of the dams of his clenched eyelids and the anguished cry he tried so fucking hard to hold back tore loose and echoed throughout the graveyard.

"Damnit!" he screamed at the dead man beneath the grave he was over, "I should have said it _sooner!_" The discomposed teen fell onto his side and dug his nails into his eyelids. "I _loved_ you! I wanted to be _yours!_ I didn't want _this!_ For _either_ of us!" His voice dropped to a chokey whisper as he spoke again, "I wanted you to fucking _love_ me the way I love you. . ."

Thunder cracked loudly over the cemetery and another bolt of lightning lit up the sky. If Raito would have looked up, he would have seen the deceased L sitting on his head stone in the strange seating position that only he could manage. He pressed his thumb to the corner of his lips and smiled down weakly at the young Yagami quaking from the cold rain and the misery in his heart. He knew he could do nothing for the aching teen. As the sky darkened again, the detective gently whispered to him, "And I did, Raito-Kun. I did."

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Please review and tell me what you think. 


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